Just That Much More

Just That Much More

It was a quiet morning and all throughout the dorm, not a single sound was heard. That is, apart from the soft snores and breathing of five sleeping boys. It was rare that they got the opportunity to sleep in this late into morning because of their constant busy schedules.

But in that place that they called home, there was one boy up already, having just gotten back home. That was Doojoon, the eldest of the six boys. He was meant to have filming for his sitcom today but it was cancelled due to faulty equipments and so the cast was sent back home.

At first, he thought about waking Yoseob so they could watch TV together, but his thoughts stopped upon returning home as Yoseob had been somewhat off lately - or at least, that's what he thought. The other members didn't think he was acting any different when he brought it up with them. Hyunseung told him he was just thinking like that because they were together, it's normal apparently. But he couldn't shake the feeling that something was up. Kikwang told him that things have just been pretty hectic lately so that could be why, even though he still couldn't see what was wrong. Deciding maybe Yoseob was just tired, he left the others to sleep in that day - it was a day off after all.

***

In the bedroom, the sunlight had shone through the blinds and onto the top bunks. Dongwoon had pulled his bed sheets over his head, hiding from the sunlight and continued to sleep. But Yoseob was unable to do the same as he slowly blinked his eyes awake, to see that the bed next to him was empty. He rolled on his back, looking at the ceiling before closing his eyes again.

But before Yoseob could fall back asleep, he heard the TV coming from the living room. He would have continued sleeping had it not been for the soft chuckling he heard, one that sounded perfectly familiar in his head. 'It can't be, he has filming today.' He thought to himself as he turned over and faced the empty bed next to him, trying to resume his sleeping.

There again came that soft chuckle, it was obvious they were trying to not laugh loudly in case the others would wake up. Yoseob couldn't fall back asleep with his mind pondering over that one familiar laughter.

Only one eye open, he slowly climbed down from his bed, careful not to wake the others. The floor was cold to the touch that morning. Pacing himself, still swaying a little side to side and rubbing his eyes, he followed the sound of the TV and chuckling as it got louder.

Upon entering the living room, Yoseob's head turned back as he flinched from the brightly sunlit room. After adjusting, his eyes found Doojoon sitting on the floor watching their all time favourite 'Home Alone'. It didn't look like Doojoon had noticed him there yet.

"Doojoon-ah?" Yoseob's throat was not yet clear; hoarse.

Doojoon turned to Yoseob, eyes still smiling from the TV. "What are you doing up Yoseobie?"

Yoseob steadily paced over to where Doojoon sat, "didn't you have filming to do?"

Doojoon looked back to the TV, "huh? Oh nah something happened so we were sent back home."

Yoseob stopped in his tracks, not yet reaching Doojoon, still sitting on the floor. "Why didn't you wake me?"

"Mm? Well you were sleeping and there's nothing wrong with sleeping in on a day off." His eyes still on the TV.

"Why didn't you wake me?" His tone had gotten somewhat harsher, his voice a little louder.

Doojoon turned to look up at the younger boy but before he could answer 'I just told you,' he noticed that Yoseob's eyebrows were frowned and his eyes almost piercing. "Yoseobie what's wrong?" A concerned tone.

Yoseob didn't answer, instead he bit his lips as tears threatened to fall from his eyes. By this stage Doojoon had already stood up from his seat and made his way over.

Doojoon place his hand on Yoseob's shoulder, looking straight into his eyes, his own filled with worry and concern. Rather than forcing out an answer from the younger boy, he pulled him into a hug.

For the moment, Yoseob stood there, his head on Doojoon's shoulder, just looking to the other side of the room. His arms still by his side, not hugging back, not saying a word. But Doojoon still hadn't let go, instead hugged a little tighter, and held him a little closer.

Yoseob's eyes found the clock that was on the wall, 10:45am. His eyebrows lowered, his eyes somewhat drooped. A small sigh escaped his lips.

Moments passed and neither of the two had moved. Doojoon didn't know if he should've said something, he didn't know if he should let go of the boy. All he knew was that he didn't want those tears the threatened to fall from Yoseob's eyes to run down those cheeks he loved so much.

"When did you get home?" Yoseob managed to say softly, tears slowly hiding away again.

Still holding onto the boy, "about nine-thirty maybe?"

Yoseob pushed Doojoon away, breaking the hug. His eyes focused on Doojoon's torso area as to still avoid eye contact. "You should've woke me up. It's been over an hour."

"I'm sorry, I thought you'd want to get some sleep." Doojoon kept a calm tone as to not upset to boy further.

"Then why weren't you back in bed next to me? With me?"

"I didn't want to disturb anyone."

"You should've woke me up, or at least stay by my side if you didn't want to make me up." Yoseob could feel his tears threatening to spill again.

Doojoon could hear Yoseob fighting back his cries, but longing to let it all out. He could always tell. Because Yoseob rarely let them out with people around. He didn't want Yoseob to cry, he remained calm but sincere. "I'm sorry, I will next time."

"When will that be?" Yoseob's voice almost inaudible as his head lowered, now facing the floor. His body started shaking, he bit his lips and kept his eyes wide open as he continued to fight back his tears.

Doojoon didn't want to make Yoseob repeat it, but it was best if he actually heard what the boy had just asked. "Sorry I didn't catch that, what did you--"

"-- WHEN WILL THAT BE DOOJOON!?" His voice almost loud enough to wake the other four sleeping boys had they not been in deep sleep. Tears flew from his eyes and caught sunlight as they fell when he looked up at Doojoon, no longer avoiding eye contact; as he could no longer fight back his tears, letting them run down his cheeks, his eyes all red.

Doojoon was speechless; he didn't know how to answer. He was too focused on his crying boyfriend that stood before him. His chest constricted, his rib cage tightened, he could feel his stomach doing back flips. He didn't want to see Yoseob cry, he didn't want to be the reason Yoseob was crying. He reached for Yoseob to give a hug of comfort, but Yoseob quickly stepped back and whacked his arm away. "No!" This time a little softer, voice drowned out by his crying.

Yoseob faced the ground, hands by his sides, body shaking, as his tears continued to fall. Doojoon still didn't know what to do; he just watched as Yoseob's teardrops fell, shimmering as they reflected sunlight.

Things stayed like that for a while, for what felt like hours to both boys.

Yoseob was the first to break the long silence between the two, "you don't know..."

A confused expression washed Doojoon's face, but still concerned. "Don't know what?"

"You don't know how hard it is!" Yoseob tried to raise his voice a little louder through his tears. He looked up at Doojoon, still crying. His eyes were as bitter as acorns, but still sad as a whole. "You're always so busy..." His voice a little calmer. "You're never around anymore..!" He tried his best to scream but his crying prevented.

Doojoon felt his chest tighten more. Now he knew why. Now he knew why Yoseob had been acting strange. Doojoon's been so busy filming and going on special appearances for shows, his schedule was much busier than the other members, with the exception of maybe Kikwang.

As if BEAST didn't have any free time as it was, Doojoon had far less. He would wake up earlier than the others; then after their schedules, in between their schedules, he would be filming. Sometimes he got home after the others have fallen asleep. Sometimes he got home once the others started to wake up the next morning. And some of those times, a lot of those times, Yoseob would stay awake waiting for him, but usually ends up falling asleep on Doojoon's bed before he returns.

It was impossible for Yoseob not to be lonely. It was obvious. Why didn't Doojoon think of it sooner? That's why Yoseob had been acting strange. He didn't want to get too close to Doojoon, expecting to be together, when he would always end up being crushed inside. So his solution was to not get so close and not expect anything, that way, maybe, just maybe, it'd hurt a little less.

Doojoon couldn't just stay there watching Yoseob's bitter eyes pierce him any longer, he grabbed Yoseob's arm and pulled him into a hug, a hand on his back and a hand on the back of his head. Doojoon brought Yoseob's head to his nose and held the younger boy tight. "I'm sorry Yoseob. I'm really sorry."

Yoseob wrapped his arms about Doojoon and held him tight, still crying, but trying to calm down. Doojoon brought Yoseob's head to his chest, placing a kiss on the younger boy's head before resting his chin on it. Yoseob continued to cry, letting Doojoon's shirt absorb his tears.

The two boys stood there in one another's arms for a while, until Yoseob had no more tears left to cry, until Doojoon's shirt was completely soaked - not that he cared.

"I miss you." Yoseob eventually whispered, head still resting on Doojoon's chest. "I try to spend time with Junhyung to try and not feel alone, but it doesn't feel the same." He started to pour out everything he had been keeping to himself all this time. "Then when we got paired for the units, I guess it made sense. Everyone fit nicely together. But I wish we were together, just so I could spend more time with you, just so I could perform with you again for our very first concert, just like back during our very first showcase."

Doojoon loosened the hug to look at Yoseob, "I know now, I'm so sorry Yoseob." He tried to smile, but he could feel his own tears starting to fill up as he spoke, though he didn't plan on stopping just yet. "I'm sorry for neglecting you, I'm sorry for making you feel lonely." He placed a soft kiss on Yoseob's forehead. "How can people call me 'Nation's Boyfriend-dol' when I can't even make my own boyfriend happy?"

Before Doojoon could continue, Yoseob shook his head, a small smile, "but you do make me happy. You make me extremely happy. So happy I didn't know it was possible."

Doojoon's face lit up when he heard that, he was glad, "but I made you cry so much."

"It happens in all relationships right?" His eye smile through dry tears made them sparkle. "I know it's not your fault, we are Idols, we lead busy lives, I know." Yoseob paused, then looked down from Doojoon's face to his tear-soaked chest; and in a softer tone, "but knowing doesn't make it hurt any less."

Doojoon's hand left Yoseob's head and to his chin, bringing Yoseob's face up to look at him again. "I'm sorry. I'll try to cut back on things, I'll try to spend more time with you, I'll try to be a better boyfriend, I'll try to be a boyfriend you're proud to have."

"I'm already proud to have you." His voice full of sincerity. "And you can't do that, you'll risk losing your job and stuff." His eyes looked away from Doojoon, catching the clock again, 11:10am.

Doojoon smirked, then pulled Yoseob in until their lips met, placing a short, soft, tender kiss. "There's no point if I don't have you. I'll risk it all for you."

The words brought tears to Yoseob's eyes, joy to his heart and butterflies to his stomach. He leaned in to kiss the older boy again. Slowly sucking and biting Doojoon's lips. Doojoon ran his tongue against Yoseob's bottom lip, asking for an entrance, an entrance that was given with pleasure. Yoseob moaned into the kiss and brought his hands up behind Doojoon's head, pulling them closer, as Doojoon's tongue explored the inside of his mouth and played with his own. They kissed deeper, and more passionately than the previous. This close, Yoseob could smell Doojoon's scent, a scent he needed more of in his life, a scent he couldn't get enough of.

Eventually they broke the kiss, each gasping for air.

"But you'll always have me Doojoon."

"I love you." In unison, a sincere and warm tone, a bright smile on both faces. Maybe with that, they can spend more time with each other; maybe with that, every small moment together, alone or as a group, in private or in public, is worth just that much more, to the two boys.